So after two week of not being here and two weekends away camping and floating I am writing.
So I started this on monday 25th, and have just been drained all week, now getting back to it, friday 29th, hope I can finish it here.
Its really funny how Karma play's with our lives, sometimes I just wish I could play along with it.
KARMA
–noun
1.
2.
Theosophy . the cosmic principle according to which each person is rewarded or punished in one incarnation according to that person's deeds in the previous incarnation.
3.
fate; destiny.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/karma
So my life and Backwards Karma,
funny how every time I try and do the correct thing, somehow it comes back to slap me in the face for doing good, I mean I see alot of real DB's, "Douche Bags" in this world, that are constantly doing the wrong things, "using, abusing, cheating, stealing, sleeping around with multiple unknowing people", they continue to do this, and yet seem to always get rewarded for being totally self-centered.
Yet here I am, totally willing and able to help others out,
ex. 1. I just loaned my trailer for a camp for cancer patients and their families while they are at camp to better get around, and have a more enjoyable camp this year, I spent the money to make sure it was all fixed up and ready for what ever they needed it for, I even delivered it to them so they didn't have to come get it, so I feel super great about this great cause.
ex. 2. I am allowing an old friend to move in with me for a short time until she can get on her feet again, after leaving her abusive husband, losing her job when she left, going through some dependency issues and some self worth issues also. I am opening up my home to someone that really needs it, so that she can work on getting better and figuring out where and what is best for her.
So here I am helping people out this past week, and this doesn't even include in the past months what I have done for people in their times of need, just this week, and yet I feel like I have been run over by a steam roller, I am totally willing and able to do this, and help out when I can, but why does it feel lately that I keep getting the short, pointy, spiked end of a stick that I don't wanna grab onto and others grab for everything they can get there hands on and never get hurt.
I know the feeling I get when I help someone out, it is an amazing thing that I can feel good entering my body, it is a thought that comes over me letting me know I am doing good for those that at certain times cant do it for themselves. I know the feeling of taking advantage of someone and using them, I have been there and have gotten benefits from using people and things, I know it was wrong and I felt bad for it, but in some way I felt like I won something because I actually got a return on what I was feeling. This helping I am doing, though I know it is good in the long run, and I am sure I will be rewarded in some way, in some life, but the feeling of helping out now, its faltering, I don't seem to be getting that rush of enjoyment that I usually get, the feeling of self gratification when you win out over something.
I know most of this doesn't even sound good in writing, it is all jumbled and doenst flow, but it is what is coming out of my head because I need to put it somewhere because I know it is getting the best of me.
I totally didnt expect the situation I opened myself up to, allowing someone to room with me to affect me in this way, I feel so drained, so down, and I am sure some of it has to do with her situations and what she is going through. But I am also sure maybe some of it is also because I havnt had anyone live with me on a day to day Other than a previous GF that was only a weekender when she didnt have her kids 3 yrs ago, it has been 5 yrs since someone lived with me, and I just didnt realize how much of a strain it would be on me.
I enjoy helpnig others out, and I know it is work sometime, but I dont feel the reward that I was hoping to get from this, I need to find an outlet other than my meditation, music, and writing this to take the frustration away that I feel. I just dont feel I am the one "WINNING" this round,
why does it feel like my Karma is all backwards and out of whack anymore, even when I do what is best I feel like I dont get rewarded, I know it may take time and might not show up until some other time, but I just wish I felt I was doing what is right now, and not like I am wasting an effort.
Here is to living the best way I know how, even when I dont feel I am getting what I want out of it, cause sometimes the best things happen when you have no idea where you are even going with them....
Today, I bend the truth to be kind; For I am more sure of what is kind, than I am of what is true.
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