Always Remember...

I remember a time,
when it was all so easy,
when it was all so together.

I never had to worry where I was going,
How I was gonna get to that point,
even when I got lost,
I always knew where I was.

I have lost that feeling of knowing,
I've lost that path,
that was always comfortably never really their,
when getting lost was all the fun I needed.

How do you find your path,
but lose yourself,
all at the same time.

You can't go back to where you know you have been,
those doors and paths are all closed and grown over,
You can't hide in the shadows of your past,
but you just don't know how to grow with the light in front of you.

You will never enjoy your life,
Living inside the box,
So afraid of taking chances,
but chance are what keeps life moving.

I remember times,
when Life was a total mess,
I crawled out of those dark spots,
just to make something better.

I remember where I was going,
I remember how to get lost,
just to find myself all over again.

I remember,
what it is I want,
where it was I was headed.

Always Remember...

Always remember...

Year End Review 2011

     Well, Look at the time, where has this year gone, it seems like just yesterday that I was writing my 2010 year end review, and here it is the end of an amazing 2011 and jumping into what will be an even better 2012.

     As I look back though on this year of 2011, I can only seem to feel a sense of I could have done better, I could have made better judgement calls, kinder words, better decisions, 

better, better, better and even though I did some amazing things this year, I know I can do better, and 2012 will be the time to make up for what I didn't get done in '11


     For myself, I had some amazing times out with some great people, from going to concert, listening to local bands at local places, the times spent with great people always reminds me of what I am doing and why music is such a part of my life and why it makes me smile when ever I am out listening to it..

     Life seems to always be played out in song, this year was alot about The Truth, Dirt Roads, Red Solo cups, LMFAO, Bernies/Dougies, someone like you, SnM, being born this way and Going out in style.

     The fun I had this year, in March I went on a week long Cruise in the Caribbean with 11 other friends.  What an experience, what a way to relax, over eat on amazing food, explore what is outside my normal everyday life, see some B E A utiful places and just have the time of my life.  

     I took a weekend trip down to Gatlinberg Tennessee for a weekend Birthday Party, and went zip-lining, what a great free falling experience to swing from some trees and just fall and slide down those cables, sitting in a cabin all weekend and just doing nothing but enjoying,  I cant wait to do something like this again. 


     I had another great year of Float trips and being with people I really enjoy and making new friends along the way, it doesn't hurt that I am doing something I really enjoy by being out in the rivers and woods and just enjoying down time of doing nothing but relaxing.


     Sometimes Life takes us on paths and in directions that we dont expect.  I should always be open to these new paths, I dont know what I am missing out on when I just dont open my eyes, Heart, understanding as to what it is I can benefit from going along with something that I am just unsure of.  I also need to remind myself no matter how much I am Living My Life for Me I also need to be open and understand to those around me, their feelings and what they have in mind, I think I fail to do this fare more than I realized even when I am helping those that I do extend my abilities for, helping people move, work on projects, listening to them when they are down and need advise, I still need to remember the others that I may not give my full attention to and maybe brush them off a little bit when they dont need or deserve it, I have all the time in the world and I have plenty to share, I just need to be more open to sharing it all.


     My life at times seems so slow, laid back, alone, I dont have a care in the World, at other times I am so busy planing events, vacations, enjoying my social life and what I am gonna do next, I tend to lose track of everything and what is truly important and needs to be attended to more often.  I hope to make better plans and actions in this new year, and stick to what I thought I would do in '11, I hope to make '12 one of the most amazing years I have had, and to take on what I had planned to do in '11 and take care of that in 2012 and then some.


Here is to making the best of every situation, finding what it is in life that makes the heart grow, the times stand still and the people around you know just who you truly are...

Capricorn Outlook for 2012

Capricorn

12/22 – 1/19

Year 2012 Overview

The confusion of 2011 is about to lift as clarity returns in 2012. You've no doubt been through a series of powerful metamorphoses since 2008, when Pluto took possession of your stars for the long haul. You're not even a quarter of the way through the 18-year shedding process that Pluto requires ... and yet you're not the same person you were just a few years ago by any stretch of the imagination. In some ways, you can expect this year to be a long, dramatic pause. You'll be questioning many aspects of your existence, especially your professional life. Mars, the planet of work and action, will be retrograde for the first quarter of the year in your house of higher learning and travel, putting you in a deeply introspective and philosophical mode. During this time, you'll be less inclined to hit the road than you will be to hit the books.

When the eclipse patterns stir up the winds of change for you again in spring and summer, you'll experience some major epiphanies about the new direction you need to take. The new Moon solar eclipse in your work sector brings a fresh approach to the way you go about your daily routine. And then, the full Moon lunar eclipse of June in your dream sector will bring the muse and vision to inspire you to go beyond the known. The total solar eclipse and new Moon in your goal sector in November is the final push to plant radically new seeds. There's no question that you're leaving your old life behind; it's now just a matter of faithfully emerging into the new.

Love is in the air with generous Jupiter in sister Earth sign Taurus, showering your romantic sector until June. The planet of fortune will provide ample opportunities for you to fall in love with someone new - or simply love the one you're with. Pleasure becomes a key theme for the first half of the year, providing a nice balance to your normal dutiful life.

Capricorn Outlook for 2012

Capricorn

12/22 – 1/19

Year 2012 Romantic

Love is in great abundance during the first half of 2012, while Jupiter showers big fortune on your romantic sector. If anything, you'll be bombarded with so much affection, you'll feel guilty having to break so many hearts. You could easily fall in love overseas or with someone from another country under Jupiter's influence; at the same time, love could take you on such a fabulous adventure that your entire world will open up! In any case, this is a year when you'll fall in love a little bit with everything and everyone. Life itself becomes a daily romantic experience!

Mars, the planet of drive and mojo, will be in positive aspect to your stars for the entire first half of the year. This also bodes exceptionally well for your love life. Your ability to magnetize intense encounters is remarkable under this aspect. The chemistry you have with your partner is what makes life so alive and on fire, so enjoy it. It also makes it necessary for you to have more physical outlets for your surplus of libidinal energy. You're usually more apt to direct this energy toward your work, but during the first half of the year, you're more likely to put it into your love life.

With Pluto continuing to excavate nearly every area of your life through its ongoing 18-year renovation project in your constellation, your relationships are no exception. One-to-one encounters are like being in constant psychoanalysis - you learn so much about yourself through the mirror of your relationship, and that isn't always easy or pretty. Still, you'll perpetually unearth some very deep insights about yourself through this process. If you've endured lost love over the past few years, trust that every death in your love life will be followed with a powerful rebirth.

Time Away, Taken Away

     So I wanted to thank the few of you who have added me to your blog watching and reading.

I much appreciate the small following that you have given me, and I also want to apologize for leaving for almost 4  months.

I had the intentions of making it an every couple of day post, showing what I was thinking and going through in my always Balanced Life.  I dont know why, but I lost that Balance that drive, the interest, the need to open up and allow what it was I had going on be shared with others.  So I took myself away from the writing and also away from social media for a while, and I am just now getting back to this form of expressing myself.  My last post was about my past coming back and running into me when i didn't expect it, then later on in my time away it came across me again, and it really sent me for a spin, so the time away was a blessing that I needed to do for me.

      In my time away I did some things for me, I changed some lifestyle eating habits, got on a new body detox plan to cut out the things that are bad for me, cut out some people who are bad for me, and I think some people even cut me out of their lives that I was bad for.  I dont even know where the last 4 months have gone, I dont fully remember what it is I have done, enjoyed, experienced, it just seems it is all mixed together in something that I will have to look back on and pick and choose what I remember and want out of it all.

     So I just wanted to write, let those of you that are following me know that I am hopefully back, and I plan on writing more, and opening back up to what I initially started all this for. I have the need again to tell my story, and share with whom ever wants to read and follow along hopefully learn from me, and even help me understand a little something different along the way.

A great thing about writing, it never misses you, it always welcomes you back no matter how long you were gone, or for what reasons you left, it loves what ever story you have to tell, it never calls you a liar, a cheat, a loser, weirdo, player, a waste, all it ever wants for you, is for you to put the words down, so you can tell your story and help others while also helping yourself.

     I can no longer allow myself or anyone else to take away moments, I can never get back, I can never change, and I can never enjoy again.  I must just live for this moment and everything that I get from it, good and bad, because that is the journey I enjoy so much about life anyway, never know what will come from it, but knowing that the fun of the journey is the most exciting part of everything I do.

Sometimes Good Dreams are the Worst NightMares...

I have been having some interesting dreams lately, and it is something I can normally control, but as of late, they have just been coming on and having a run with my mind all on their own.

Dreams I cannot control as I can reality,

when something bad happens in real life, I can take action, walk away, fight for what I want, I have ultimate power over my feelings, my thought and my actions.

In Dreams lately, I am at the control of my mind, and where it wants to take me on the little movie in my head, Lately it seems I am in a Horror picture.  It all starts out as a wonderful moment, with people I care for or have cared for in the past, set in a good memorable moment or situation and for some reason it turns into something that is horrible for the people still in my life, or turns into heart ache for me from those that aren't in my life anymore.  I have to think about my dreams the next few days and try and forget them, but for some reason they have just been happening over and over night after night without me being able to manipulate them as I have been able to in the past. 

Everything I want in real life seems to be Haunting me lately, things from my past that I once enjoyed and cherished have been coming back into my mind and have been making me think about them, and the nice times we shared, and how I am alone and want those kinds of times back to enjoy them, but I know I wont ever get them back, no matter what I want, someone else doesn't want the same thing back from me,

So I wait, I wonder and I dream, I try and fight off the ideas that come at night and take my mind and use it against me, to push me into a place I cant and don't want to go, back, to something that I don't have and cant have.  I wanna move forward to what is next, what great things that come after I wake up and learn to fight down the thoughts and feelings that I had before, and build upon them to strengthen me and my mind, so some little dream cant take over who I am and what it is I am trying to do for myself.

I just need to remind myself, that THIS is exactly where I am supposed to be at this time, even though it isn't everything I hope for, one day everything I did in the past, all the things I walked away from, all the people that didn't find me good enough to be in their life and walked away from me, will help me get to the place I am really gonna love, and supposed to be, "THIS" will all be everything, one day...

I hate that you are still stuck in my head, and I don't know how to get you out of it, I am so blessed to have gotten to have and enjoy these thoughts I get now, but I wish I could let them go, so I didn't have to miss what once was while I am still alone, at least I get to build upon what I had, and make the next even more amazing, cause it wont be the best I can be, but I guess it is the best you will ever get......



I think I am gonna have to go back, and Find My Serenity Again.....

Finding Serenity

Where do you find your peace, where is the place you go, to let everything go away,

     I try and find time to meditate, sometimes I sit at home on the floor with soft music and just sit in my own space and try and relax, sometimes I sit in bed and just lay there a little extra before I get up in the morning to allow my body to adjust and wake itself up instead of jumping and running out of bed to get the day started.

     I find that most time when I wanna really let things go I am either camping and on float trips, or I take the Motorcycle out and let the wind blow all of the things I am thinking away, as I glide down the road, wind whipping at me, kind of like running through a crowd of hands grabbing at you trying to pull your clothes off, but the wind is pulling at me pulling away my quilt, hurt, remorse, pain, thoughts I can't control, the past, tears.  have you ever had your hand out a window of your car, and the pressure that is being applied to your hand as you go faster and faster, or you see that dog with his nose in the wind, I get to have all of this amazing pressure on me, just pushing into my body, and the faster I go the more it pushes out the bad, and pushes in new life and new space, how can that not be a good thing.  Maybe this is why dogs have such a great life, let it all just blow away, nothing to worry about..

     The other time is when I am on the river, sitting along the bank of the water, letting my feet dip into the cold water, allowing my body to relax with the coldness as if I am falling into a dark sleep, where my life is being taken from me, as it also takes away all of the stress and thoughts I don't need to keep anymore.  I let my mind drift into the sound of the water rolling off of the rocks and trickle into me, freezing everything inside and washing it out as it flows. 

     Sitting back in camp I have a warm fire, and then let the heat re-enter my body and warm me back into life again, allowing the strong solid thoughts to rebuild and grow with the heated warmth that comes from those dancing flames, as you watch them you can only wanna get up and dance along with them, and rejoice in the glow that comes from inside those white hot embers underneath, even with the fire dancing you can watch the leave from the tree's above also dancing from the power of the heat that is rising from the ground, making you feel lighter than where the coldness had you before. 

    

Please also check out this link, it wont allow me to post the picture, but if I could ever find this place, I know I would be in a magical place, if nothing more than piece.

http://www.redbubble.com/people/cliff/art/372343-shangri-la-river

     I have also been using my writing to help to remove these thoughts that come across my mind, and since I have just been starting this blog, though a little slow so far in posting, I have a number of saved posts I need to edit and post live, but just finding the time to really put it all to word can be hard to find sometimes, so I hope this is my start to being a little more fluid with my posts and timely in making them all live...

     So, where do you go, what are your techniques that take all of your pains and troubled thoughts away when you need to just let them go.  I am looking for other ways, because sometimes I cant do the things I have talked about, and need other outlets to help me remove the things that don't matter from my everyday life.  Where do you find your piece and your happiness again...

!!AMRAK SDRAWKCAB,,backwards Karma!!

So I know I have just got started on this Blog, and I haven't written all that much yet.  Before I started I had all kinds of things I wanted to write, and put down, now, I cant seem to come up with alot, funny how that works.
 So after two week of not being here and two weekends away camping and floating I am writing.

So I started this on monday 25th, and have just been drained all week, now getting back to it, friday 29th, hope I can finish it here.

Its really funny how Karma play's with our lives, sometimes I just wish I could play along with it.

KARMA
–noun

1.

Hinduism, Buddhism . action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation: in hinduism one of the means of reaching Brahman. Compare bhakti ( def. 1 ) , jnana.

2.

Theosophy . the cosmic principle according to which each person is rewarded or punished in one incarnation according to that person's deeds in the previous incarnation.

3.

fate; destiny.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/karma


       So my life and Backwards Karma,

funny how every time I try and do the correct thing, somehow it comes back to slap me in the face for doing good, I mean I see alot of real DB's, "Douche Bags" in this world, that are constantly doing the wrong things, "using, abusing, cheating, stealing, sleeping around with multiple unknowing people", they continue to do this, and yet seem to always get rewarded for being totally self-centered.

Yet here I am, totally willing and able to help others out,

ex. 1.  I just loaned my trailer for a camp for cancer patients and their families while they are at camp to better get around, and have a more enjoyable camp this year, I spent the money to make sure it was all fixed up and ready for what ever they needed it for, I even delivered it to them so they didn't have to come get it, so I feel super great about this great cause.

ex. 2.  I am allowing an old friend to move in with me for a short time until she can get on her feet again, after leaving her abusive husband, losing her job when she left, going through some dependency issues and some self worth issues also.  I am opening up my home to someone that really needs it, so that she can work on getting better and figuring out where and what is best for her.

So here I am helping people out this past week, and this doesn't even include in the past months what I have done for people in their times of need, just this week, and yet I feel like I have been run over by a steam roller, I am totally willing and able to do this, and help out when I can, but why does it feel lately that I keep getting the short, pointy, spiked end of a stick that I don't wanna grab onto and others grab for everything they can get there hands on and never get hurt.

I know the feeling I get when I help someone out, it is an amazing thing that I can feel good entering my body, it is a thought that comes over me letting me know I am doing good for those that at certain times cant do it for themselves.  I know the feeling of taking advantage of someone and using them, I have been there and have gotten benefits from using people and things, I know it was wrong and I felt bad for it, but in some way I felt like I won something because I actually got a return on what I was feeling.  This helping I am doing, though I know it is good in the long run, and I am sure I will be rewarded in some way, in some life, but the feeling of helping out now, its faltering, I don't seem to be getting that rush of enjoyment that I usually get, the feeling of self gratification when you win out over something.

I know most of this doesn't even sound good in writing, it is all jumbled and doenst flow, but it is what is coming out of my head because I need to put it somewhere because I know it is getting the best of me.

I totally didnt expect the situation I opened myself up to, allowing someone to room with me to affect me in this way, I feel so drained, so down, and I am sure some of it has to do with her situations and what she is going through. But I am also sure maybe some of it is also because I havnt had anyone live with me on a day to day Other than a previous GF that was only a weekender when she didnt have her kids 3 yrs ago, it has been 5 yrs since someone lived with me, and I just didnt realize how much of a strain it would be on me. 

I enjoy helpnig others out, and I know it is work sometime, but I dont feel the reward that I was hoping to get from this, I need to find an outlet other than my meditation, music, and writing this to take the frustration away that I feel.  I just dont feel I am the one "WINNING" this round,

why does it feel like my Karma is all backwards and out of whack anymore, even when I do what is best I feel like I dont get rewarded, I know it may take time and might not show up until some other time, but I just wish I felt I was doing what is right now, and not like I am wasting an effort.

Here is to living the best way I know how, even when I dont feel I am getting what I want out of it, cause sometimes the best things happen when you have no idea where you are even going with them....

Today, I bend the truth to be kind; For I am more sure of what is kind, than I am of what is true.

Life's Journey, the Roads aren't always paved, sometimes you have to make your own!!..

So, I am writing this early, I am leaving in a few hours to go camping and floating down in Southern MO. on the black river on an annual camping/float trip.

I go with a great bunch of friends that make the journey of life just that more amazing. Sometimes I know I am blessed more than I ever realize, but to reflect where I came from some 4 yrs ago now on the 16th and where I have made it I sometimes cant believe this is my life, it amazes me to no end.

Some 4 yrs ago, I ended something that had been in my life for almost 9 yrs, My Marriage ended and though at that time I had no idea what it was I was really feeling, I can now look back at the place it has brought me today, and allowing myself to overcome and build upon what it was I lost, and what is has allowed me to do with my life and understand, I know I am such a lucky person.  I don't want to seam like it meant nothing, because it did, I had an amazing relationship for so long, it seems that time took its course and for some reason that road ended.

Life is always a Journey, whether you or on a smooth well built structured and safe path, or you are on a path that you cant even seem to be able to pass without major work and detours.  Sometimes the best blessings are those paths that lead to nowhere, the ones that make you struggle just to get to the other side of some place that you have no idea where they will lead.  The Darkness through the trees is sometimes the safest, slowest, and most rewarding path that can be taken, though we never can see that while we are taking them, I can at least look back and say, I did this, I found something great out of something that seamed so horrible at the time, and came out with something even better than where I was when I started the original path that I was on.  

I came out with a sense of who I was, no it wasn't all at the moment that I started over, it never is, it took me a long time to be able to sit here and say, thank you for the struggles I had to endure to make it to where I am now, and make me the person I am today, for if it was not for where I was then, I wouldn't be half the Man I am today, I got to grow, and make something even better than I could have imagined I could.  

I am more blessed every day for everything that I have ever been through, I enjoy the struggles that come along with learning, and getting to build my own path, I think it means so much more to be the one blazing the trail for yourself, than following someone on theirs, and just going with the flow, It hasn't always been easy, but if life was, what fun would that be, I enjoy the sometimes crazy UN-explainable path that comes along with a real journey that has, is and will be My Life, of unexpected and amazing paths, here is to all that cross mine, and see how B E A utiful I have made it, and hopefully wanna share in the experience along the way.

Here is to Letting Go, of what once was, and making the best of everything that comes along after....